Love and Giant Box Cutters
by GoldenDoodleLover
Summary: CRACKFIC. A story where the military weaponizes love and uses it to exterminate the titans. A parody of the SnK fandom's many ships (crackships included) featuring them in a chaotic love myriagon. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: I'm glad I wrote this. It has cured my writer's block. Reviews will be appreciated. :)

**Chapter One: Rejection Hurts**

Eren stood a few blocks away from Lance Corporal Rivaille's apartment. After ten minutes of deliberation, he had finally decided to confess his feelings for the corporal.

"Love is the poisoned bullet from Cupid's assault rifle! Bury it into a monster's flesh and it will destroy it from the inside! Love, alone, can drive the Titans to extinction!"

Eren looked behind him. Pastor Nick was doing his rounds again. Everyday, he would tirelessly walk around town reading phrases from his groundbreaking bestseller, "Love Hurts - How To Use Love As A Weapon Against Titans and Other Monsters." The book was a staple in every household and every individual within the walls had their own personal copy. It was that influential. In fact, the message of the book was so revolutionary that the king ordered the military to use it as a guidebook for their operations.

The same book was what drove Eren to profess his feelings to Rivaille. As a sign of gratitude, Eren dropped a bill in Pastor Nick's donation box and confidently walked to Corporal Rivaille's home. Behind him, he heard the Pastor shout.

"Young man! Today, love will eat you alive!"

Eren was not sure what that meant but it sure as hell gave him the creeps.

* * *

"What are you doing here, Jaeger?" Rivaille interrogated, sitting on a black velvet couch like a badass mafia boss.

He did not look pleased. Then again, Eren has never ever seen the corporal look pleased. Ever.

"Heichou. I am here to..." Eren hesitated but then drew courage from the ever-flowing Fountain of Anger within his soul. "... I'm here to confess something."

"Damn it, Jaeger. What did I tell you about giving Hanji a Conspiracy Today magazi-"

"SIR, I THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME." Eren stated in the same loud voice he uses when giving angry speeches. "There I said it."

Rivaille looked at him with narrowed eyes, mouth agape. An awkard silence hung in the air until Eren could not take it anymore.

"Um, Heichou? Isn't this the part where you're supposed to do naughty things to me?"

Rivaille remained unmoving.

"Heichou?"

"Eren Jaeger, do me a favor and go home. Now."

The green-eyed boy was taken aback.

"... W-why?" he sputtered. It was the only word he could manage to let out after the shock.

"Oh, I don't know. 'Cause home is where the heart is? I think that mainstream book stated that clearly." Rivaille deadpanned.

"Seriously, Jaeger. Go home."

"I-is that a no?"

"Yes."

"Huh?"

"No. It's a no."

"Huh. Wow, I didn't see that coming. For some reason it makes me angry. Very... very angry."

"Cool. The Chapel of Love Hurts is a twenty-minute walk away from here. You should avail of their 'Free Exorcism On Friday Nights' promo."

And then Eren's anger bubble burst.

"FUCK YOU, HEICHOU."

"Nah, I'll pass."

Moments after Eren Jeager walked out of the room, Rivaille took out his Limited Edition Hello Kitty Camouflage Print stationery set.

"Now that that brat is out of the way, it's time for me to make a move on her." he said, chuckling to himself.

He began writing what could only be described as a heartfelt letter for a very special someone. This was what he wrote:

_To Miss Ackerman,_

_Come to my apartment. I have Eren._

_With love,_

_Lance Corporal Rivaille_

When he had finished, he took out his pet eagle from a cage and tied the letter to its leg. He opened the windows Disney princess style and let his pet eagle fly out into the sunset.

"Go, Phoenix. Let my feelings reach her."

* * *

Meanwhile, Eren was making his way to the Chapel of Love Hurts to get exorcised for free. The way Rivaille rejected him stung but he did not lose hope. After overthinking about it, he realized that the corporal was probably just worried about him and his anger issues.

"I see. So that's why he wanted me to go home and get exorcised. Yeah, that's probably it." Eren said to himself, his heart fluttering with happiness. Armed with this newly-formed baseless conclusion, Eren began skipping, thinking of ways how he could make Senpa- ahem - Heichou fall for him.

And then it happened. A female titan ate him.

* * *

"Welcome to my palace, Ackerman. Mi casa es su casa." Rivaille was casually sitting on the black velvet sofa which was as smooth as his voice.

"Where's Eren?" a breathless Mikasa demanded as she frantically scanned the entire room. Rivaille ignored her question and proceeded to make his move.

"Please have a seat and help yourself to some iced tea and cookies. I made sure they're not spiked so you have nothing to worr-"

"Ereeeen! EREEEEEEN! EREN, SHOW YOURSELF!" Mikasa had started ransacking the corporal's home like a thief with a search warrant. Rivaille pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. Eren, Eren, Eren. Always with the Eren-ing, this bitch. She should be thankful she's hot.

"Seriously, Ackerman? Calm the fuck do- DO NOT OPEN THAT!"

The berserk girl yanked out a drawer. It flew into the air and hit the wall. A pink DS and Ace Attorney game cards scattered on the velvet carpet.

"Eren, are you in there?! Say 'yes' if you are and 'no' if you're not!"

"Ackerman."

"Eren...?"

"Oi, Muscle Woman."

"E-R-E-N"

"Mikasa, Eren's not here."

At those words, Mikasa stopped dismantling a wooden table and stood up. A look of confusion and longing on her face.

"I... I don't understand. You said..."

"Look. I lied, okay? There's something I've been wanting to tell you though so please get your shit together and hear me out."

All strength left Mikasa. Her limp hand dropped the wooden table's leg on the floor. Eren was somewhere else. Who knows what monster is killing him right now?

"Permission to speak freely, sir?" she asked, looking the corporal in the eyes. Rivaille raised an eyebrow but decided to play along.

"Permission granted."

"FUCK YOU, HEICHOU."

Rivaille whistled but then frowned when he saw the girl of his dreams heading for the door.

"Leaving so soon? Fine, have it your way." said the corporal with his usual bravado. "Why do you insist on being that little shit's chaperone, anyway?"

"You're one to talk."

"I asked you a question, Ackerman. I want answers."

"Eren... Eren is.. the answer." And with that, she exited the room. The door closed with a loud bang.

Rivaille laid sprawled out on the couch. He wasn 't used to being treated like dirt by a girl.

"Women are so complicated." he muttered. When he realized how cliched that phrase was, he consumed the untouched cookies and iced tea until he was so drunk he forgot he ever said it.

* * *

In the secret arcade underground the Chapel of Love Hurts , Pastor Nick was laughing manically as he wrote the sequel to his bestseller.

"I can't believe it!" he guffawed. "It was true what they said! If you can't beat 'em, milk 'em dry!"


	2. Chapter 2

**WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS RELATED TO THE FEMALE TITAN'S IDENTITY.**

* * *

**Chapter Two: Being Beat Up Hurts**

Eren's eyes fluttered open.  
"What... where..?" he groaned as he tried to remember what happened before he lost consciousness. He was mostly unscathed save for his clothes, his jacket especially, which was dripping in goop. When he finally remembered what happened to him, he realized why his clothes were drenched and he shrugged the jacket off his body in disgust.  
"Ugh..."

Dropping the piece of clothing on the floor disdainfully, he stood up and scanned his surroundings. The air was heavy with the smell of sweat and blood. The place was dimly lit by a small light fixture and the windows were covered by thick dark curtains. Despite the limited amount of light, it was not difficult to see. Various exercise equipment took up most of the room's space. One wall was covered in mirrors and the light from the fixture bounced off of it, creating a glare. Smack right in the middle was a boxing ring. It looked like a gym of some sorts.  
"Unghh..."  
A moan. It came from a dark corner of the room. Eren walked toward it and saw two young men lying on the floor. He recognized them. They were Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Fubar from the 104th trainee squad. Reiner was clutching his arm and cursing under his breath with a pained expression on his face.  
"That bitch better pay me back! That Fluttershy tattoo was a limited edition! I-I can't do this job anymore... I just can't-"  
Eren decided that it was a bad time to have a word with him so he left the burly teen to angst about the shiny tattoo on his arm.  
Bertholdt on the other hand, looked like he was unconscious, a pleasant smile on his lips. _What are they doing here? Were they eaten by the female titan too?_  
"You're finally awake." A girl's low and clear voice caught Eren's attention. He turned around and saw an all too familiar face.

"A-Annie?!"  
"Yo. 'Sup?" The blonde walked across the room to where Eren was. She was wearing a white midriff-baring tank top and biker shorts. She also wore her trademark Fuck Everything look on her face.  
"Annie! What's going on here?"  
Eren interrogated but Annie ignored him. It has been decided that from this point onwards, Annie will give no shit about anything Eren says.  
"Annie, wha-?"  
"Boxing or wrestling?"  
"Say what? Oi, what's gotten into-"  
"Choose."  
"What are you tryi-?"  
"BOXING OR WRESTLING?" The blonde firmly said this. Her voice had an element of threat in it which made Eren cave in.  
"Okay, fine! I'll choose. Geez." He thought for a moment and decided to go for the one he saw on tv the most.  
"Wrestling."  
"Great choice."  
"Look, why don't we talk about tv sports on another day? Right now we-"  
"Eren Jaeger. ."  
"Wait. What?" Don't tell me you beat up those two over th-"  
"Yeah. They're my 'spartners.' But they're all beat up now and I don't have any spares."  
"S-spares?"  
"That's why I took you with me."  
Eren was lost. Last time he checked, it was the female titan who kidnapped him. Did that mean that Annie was a titan-shifter too?  
"Hold on right there! Are you telling me-"  
"Now get your ass in that ring, Eren."  
"Damn it why do you keep cutting me o-"  
"Ring. Now."  
And then Eren's anger bubble burst.  
"BITCH YOU AIN'T HEICHOU SO DON'T ORDER ME AROUND!"  
Annie replied to his outburst by roundhouse-kicking him in the face. Eren, caught off guard by the attack, fell to the ground. He rubbed at his cheek with his hand. _Damn, that hurt._

"Five seconds, Eren. If you don't get into that ring I swear to god I'll kick your ass without your consent."

Looking up at his assailant, Eren couldn't believe it. For the second time in his military life, he was kicked in the face by a person shorter than him. And just like the first time, it turned him on.

Meanwhile, at a bar somewhere in the outskirts of an upscale district...

"And so I told him, this 'frilly white chest curtain' is a symbol of elegance and ruthlessness... or something like that," slurred Rivaille, a glass of spiked apple juice in his hand.  
"He.. he got told, alright. So... so told. They called me humanity's strongest man since then."  
Hanji rolled her half-lidded eyes. She was sitting next to Rivaille drinking a glass of rum.  
"Yeah yeah that's cool. So I heard you got blown off today."  
Rivaille almost choked on his drink.  
"The fuck? Where'd ya hear that from?"  
"Uh. Duh. Your eagle."  
"Wha- The bird talks?!"  
"Uh-huh. Listen to this. I finally completed that Love Shot the higher-ups ordered me to create," Hanji said. A manic grin was growing on her face.  
"K... So?"  
Hanji leaned close to him and spoke in a low, gleeful voice like a mischievous demon.  
"It's practically a love potion, you know. And I 'happened' to have one in my pocket right now ahehe... heheheheheheheheh!"  
"Ugh. I know what you're thinking. No way in hell I'd stoop that low," Rivaille scoffed.  
"Oooh c'mon! I know you know that you don't stand a real chance with her."  
"Thanks but no thanks. Whatever you say or do I'm *hic* not helping with your illegal experiments, Hanji."  
Hanji made a pretend sad face.  
"Aww! Not even when you're drunk?"  
"Especially not when I'm drunk."

"... Breaking News! Earlier this evening, a dark-haired young lady with oriental features wreaked havoc at the 7-11 store behind me."  
The television screen showed a surveillance video of a girl yanking open cooler doors and throwing soda cans to the floor.

"Ohohoho holy shit! Isn't that-?"

Hanji was nudging Rivaille's shoulder. When he saw the person on the screen, his jaw fell to the floor. The scene then switched to a young man wearing a 7/11 uniform.

"So I was just chillin' around at the counter when suddenly this girl literally crashed into the store and started going on a rampage. She was calling out a name the whole time. It was um... Eren, I think. Anyway, the place is a wreck! Talk about an Asian invasion, man."

When the broadcast ended, Rivaille slammed down a shot of Super Spiked Cranberry juice. If he was going to make a deal with the devil, he was going to do it drunk.

"So Hanji about that Love Shot you were talking about..."

Annie grasped Eren's neck with her arm in a chokehold. She lifted him up and slammed him on the ground. Eren fell on his back, the impact of the fall knocking the wind out of him. Annie kicked him over in a facedown position as he struggled for air and pinned him down with her weight. She pulled his arms backwards and Eren felt pain shoot up his back. Eren felt shitty. He had been hurled and felled countless times like an old ragdoll for the past five minutes. And this was done to him by a person shorter than him.

"I'm giving you ten seconds to break free. If you succeed then the match ends. If you fail then I'll tape you to the ground and practice a flying elbow drop on you"  
"A-are you cra-"  
"Ten."  
"Grrrr you bitch!"  
"Nine."  
Eren frantically tried to break free but it was no use. Any form of struggle hurted him more than it helped him.  
"Eight."  
_Is she really serious about the flying elbow drop thing?_  
"Seven."  
_I heard it's lethal when not faked._  
"Six."  
_Shit._  
"Five."  
_I'm so angry right now._  
"Four."  
_She's kinda hot._  
"Three."  
_Oh wait. I just remembered that I can turn into a titan._  
"Two."  
_Wait how do I turn into a titan anyway?_  
"One."  
"GOING TITAN!"  
"Time's up. Prepare yourse-"

And then it happened. A blinding light suddenly filled the room. Eren was freed from his oppressor's clutches.  
"Yes! Die Flügel der Freiheit, baby!" he shouted in relief.  
"Arrgggh! It's that crystalline boy again! I hate crystals," Annie groaned.

When the light dimmed down, Annie was gone.  
"Eren! Are you okay?!"  
Eren looked to the doorway and there, he saw a boy who looked like he just jumped out of a shoujo manga.  
"Armin?! What are you doing here?"

* * *

**Author's Note: **No. Armin is not a vampire.


End file.
